What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 05:25
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I couldn’t, believe it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
What type of crossdresser are you?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
This is soul school!.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Comes on , in middle age.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
How does someone start doing urban exploration?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Is dating in college necessary? Why and why not?
But it wasn’t much.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
What did i know ?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Especially a lifetime of it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was scared of men, in general
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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I don,t even have a pension.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was 9 years of age.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
So whats the point in blame.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She found it foreign!.
We were not on the streets..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He knew the spot.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im still living with it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She married twice! .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was seconnd youngest,
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
When she asked me how she looked .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She was in good health!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One cannot live in the past .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But, we were locked up after school.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But ive been too sick for many years..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I have no regrets .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Put me off passion for life!!
All the time i was locked up.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We all went to grammer schools
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I said to her
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I think the readers, may guess!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She loved him until the end.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I will be 64.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I waited trembling.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And i lived it daily.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She wouldn,t have been !
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I write beautiful poetry .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Who then, do I blame.?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My life is so biszare .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Ive learnt so much.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My family never makes their pension either.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was very sick at this time too.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
So, i spoilt her more .
I never cut or harmed myself..
I could never make a relationship work though!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Would this be the day?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
It was going to be , some day.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Where the ultimate outsiders.